Stop Asking People to Tamp Themselves Down for Your Comfort!

Recently, I had an interaction where I posted a question in a homeschooling group asking about microscopes. I received a response that had nothing to do with my question and instead told me to avoid using the curriculum I was planning to use (and that I’d beefed up a good bit) with my rising 5th grader. It was unsolicited, and it angered me. This person didn’t know me, didn’t know my kid, and didn’t answer my question – which had nothing to do with whether I should use the curriculum I chose and everything to do with the lab equipment I was working on choosing.

This happens quite a bit, not just on social media. I might say something I’m doing or planning on doing, and a well-meaning individual will tell me why it’s impossible, why I shouldn’t, or why it’s too hard for me to do it. I see this happen to friends fairly often, too, so it’s not just me. I’ve seen it happen to kids when well-meaning adults offer unsolicited advice. When it comes to big dreams and big plans, stop crushing them. Here’s what it communicates when you offer unsolicited advice about why someone can’t or shouldn’t do something.

1. You Don’t Know What That Individual Is Capable Of

My daughter is not only very science-minded but will not sleep if her brain isn’t appropriately full at the end of the day. We’ve studied many different things in a lot of depth (hence why I have bulked up her science for this year, so she has something challenging without being overly difficult). I was concerned that parts of the curriculum wouldn’t be in-depth for her liking. The last time I didn’t bulk up the curriculum from the same publisher, she went through it in a month.

We’ll use a second example from when I was a college student. As a college student, I was a single mom. I worked full time once I graduated high school (early, it was shortly into my Junior year of high school, I was 16), and I took not only a full load almost every semester but an overload. Most of my semesters in college I took 20+ units. I had a couple that were 22 units. I also worked a part-time job since my full-time job, grants, and scholarships weren’t enough to pay for everything I needed to pay for. I graduated with honors in the major and a 3.85 GPA.

Not everyone can do that. Not every 5th grader can handle the curriculum I chose for her, much less her bulked-up science plans. And that’s fine! There is nothing wrong with that. Not everyone can have 5 kids, a business, 3 blogs, freelance, and volunteer. That’s fine! It’s still scaled back (very scaled back) from what I was doing pre-pandemic. But, before you make one of those “that’s too much” comments, consider that you may not know what the person is capable of.

2. You May Communicate That You Don’t Believe in Them

Well-meaning friends, family members, and adults voicing concerns can be really hurtful. I’m not saying you shouldn’t voice concerns if you’re asked for your opinion on it. But for many people, what they hear is, “I don’t think you can do that,” and then they feel like crap. If you feel you must speak up to help your loved one out, be very careful with your phrasing.

3. You May Prevent Them from Even Trying

I see this a lot. A well-meaning adult or friend comments that someone is trying to do something “BIG.” A person who wants to do the BIG thing hears, “It’s not possible,” and never tries. I often see this with kids and their parents, but it happens with adults. The fact is that you don’t know what other people are capable of. If you really do think it’s too BIG, perhaps help the person to limit their scope – but be careful that you’re not communicating “this isn’t possible” when doing it.

4. You May Alienate Them From You

It’s hard to think of something worse than someone with a BIG idea who is never trying to see if they can make it happen. But this is bad, particularly if you’re close to the individual. A person may decide they would rather distance themselves from you than hear that they can’t make their plans happen.

5. That You Can’t Do It, and They Make You Feel Bad

This is also bad. It leads to people tamping themselves down for the comfort of others. For a while, I stopped sharing all my accomplishments with others because I started worrying that 1) I would hear why I couldn’t possibly do everything I do or 2) I was somehow making people feel bad. Honestly, I’m feeling nervous about making this post because it might make people feel bad. However, I feel like this is something that needs to be talked more about. Not everyone is capable of doing all the things, and that is okay. Sometimes I can’t do all the things, and that’s okay. Sometimes I do all the things and do a bang up amazing job at it, and that’s awesome. And I shouldn’t feel like I can’t tell my friends about the awesome things I’m doing.

When this is what’s communicated, it can lead to number 4 as well. Your friend or loved one might stop sharing their accomplishments with you because they’re afraid you’ll feel bad.

6. It’s Not Okay to Fail

Failing is how we learn. Let me say that again for the folks in back: Failing is how we learn. You know what’s worse than failing? Never trying in the first place. That’s right. I think it’s worse to never try to meet a goal, learn a new skill, play a new instrument, go for the gold than it is to fail at trying to do those things. Why? You learn something when you fail. You may learn that the instrument isn’t for you. You may learn that you love that instrument, but you need to practice more at it. Traditional schooling has set us up to think failing = bad. But it’s not. It just means we need to solve the problem.

So when I hear friends say, “You might fail,” when I talk about some new thing I want to do, what I really hear is, “Failing is bad, very, very bad, and people who fail at what they try should feel shame.” But really, as I tell kids in Girl Scouts all the time, “I’m proud of you for trying. It’s okay that it didn’t go as expected. You learned something.”

I’m proud of you for trying. If you keep trying, you will get better.

7. It’s Not Okay to Succeed

This is a weird one. But it also often leads to many of us, especially those living as women, tamping ourselves down for the comfort of others. I don’t like telling people about all the things I do. Why? Because I feel bad. Like there’s something wrong with me for doing so much and accomplishing so much, and because I have done that, then others are missing out… or something? I don’t know; this one is still a strange one for me, but it does seem as if there is a culture that views others’ success as bad for them. Again, this is particularly true for those living their lives in female gender roles.

At the End of the Day, We All Deserve the Chance to Shine

It all boils down to one thing: Everyone should try to do the hard things. It’s hard to do hard things even without everyone else’s two cents. Don’t offer advice where it’s not asked for, particularly when it comes to folks doing the hard things. Even when it’s asked for, be careful with your delivery and be sure you understand exactly what’s being asked. The last thing we want to do is tear our friends (and our kids) down when we’re meaning well.