Today’s guest post is from Matt Lundquist, LCSW, MSEd. Matt talks about how hard it can be to break off relationships with family members who don’t have our best interests in mind. After all, we break up with partners who are abusive (and that can be hard in and of itself). As someone who has gone no contact with a family member and experienced estrangement from family for my own mental health, I was curious as to what a professional had to say on the matter.
Estrangement is more common than people realize
Estrangement is painful to both experience and talk about, but it’s also quite common. In fact, it’s more common than most people think. In a large-scale national survey, sociologist Karl Pillemer found that 27% of American adults reported ending a relationship with a family member. Yet, why does almost no one talk about it?
Much of the silence around estrangement relates to fears about family
For most of human history, the fear of losing one’s connection to family was frightening. Family literally meant survival. Family also provides culture, identity, and connection. For most people, family is enough. Even through difficult circumstances, their families provide protection, nurturing, and encouragement.
There is a strong agreement that people should set limits when they’re mistreated and that those limits should be strong in proportion to the mistreatment. We tend to see this clearly in relationships other than family. While we hope that the bonds and shared history of family are enough to prevent a full rupture, at times they aren’t.
The notion of estrangement can be especially terrifying for parents
Patients who are grappling with the idea of creating distance from a parent or formalizing an existing distance frequently tell me about their experiences raising the issue with friends who are themselves parents. The responses are typically either critical of the decision or a good deal of sadness. Frequently what is behind that response is a sense of “Could that ever happen to me?”
Parenting is a deeply insecure and difficult job. It’s also one that invites criticism, not the least of all from parents themselves. A characteristic often associated with good parenting is a healthy measure of second-guessing one’s parenting: Am I doing enough? Was I too harsh? Did I miss something my child was trying to tell me? In some ways, it’s better parents who find contemplating estrangement the most terrifying. It relates to the fear that they might be doing it wrong.
It can be overwhelming to think about the mistreatment that happens in families
Every culture has an expectation that family is who will treat you the best and whom you can trust no matter what. The idea of family members mistreating one another is upsetting. In particular, the types of harm that can lead to estrangement often begin in childhood. It’s deeply saddening to think about children being harmed, especially by parents or siblings. Children being mistreated or abused violates conventions and threatens our sense of decency.
Not all estrangement is due to abuse
It’s worth noting that while abuse, either ongoing or historical, is frequently the cause for someone to pause and consider distance in a relationship, it’s far from the only reason that distance emerges or relationships become severed. Ongoing conflicts, unresolved ruptures from childhood (especially between adult siblings), and conflicting values can all create strain in a relationship. Often this can be repaired with the right help but sometimes it can’t.
Ending a harmful relationship is a critical start but doesn’t repair the lasting historical pain
When there isn’t the capacity for repair, ending a harmful relationship is a critical and often brave start. However, it’s not the only step needed. There is self-work and healing to do too.
Certain experiences are so impactful that they become formative, meaning they stay with us and even form our character. This is unavoidable (and not all “bad”). However, when mistreatment is severe, prolonged, and happens within a relationship that’s meant to be nurturing and protective, the harm of that experience isn’t just in the world or that person—it’s internalized in the person harmed as well. These historical harms play out as a source of pain or anxiety in our internal emotional lives and show up in relationships we continue to be in. These old hurts, as well as the rupture of ending a relationship itself, need to be grieved and talked about.
