I wrote the below post 2 1/2 years ago and never posted it. All three of my younger children suffer from sleep difficulties, and it’s now been 6 years since either my husband or I have had a solid night of sleep. We recently got bunk beds, so we’re hoping that might help – but as I share this now, I’m up with 2/3 kids – the 4 year old and the 2 1/2 year old. The teenager is now 21, and well not a teenager.
The post I never shared:
I chose this life.
I chose this life.
I chose this life.
All three of these small people were planned. After 15 years between the Teenager and Princess Boogie, I was thrilled to welcome her into the world. Then, came the fierce toddler, Sir Chubs a Lot, and now we have Miss Ladybug. And all four of them are wonderful. I love being a mom.
But, being a mom is hard – especially when you have 3 kids 3 1/2 and under who do not. ever. sleep.
When I have them on a schedule, everything goes smoothly. They get up in the morning. We eat breakfast at a normal time, like normal people. We do learning activities. We get outside to play. We have lunch and then nap time. Then we have our dance party and play some more. Then Wining Husband gets home from work, we have dinner (and for us grown folk, wine sometimes) and the small people go to bed.
And I feel sane, and healthy, and like I can handle life.
But then, something happens. Dinner is late. A butterfly landed on the wrong flower. The wind blew weird. And somehow, we get our schedule messed up.
And the 3 1/2 year old is up all night.
Then, the 18 month old has to join the all night party and is cranky and overtired.
And the 2 month old has something to say about it all too. Because she has to be near her momma so I can feed her.
My Commentary
Being a mom is hard. Sometimes, I’m so emotionally exhausted that it’s hard to do much else other than just take care of their and my basic needs. I didn’t share this post, or even finish it, when I originally wrote it because I just felt so guilty.
We put so much pressure on moms in our society. We ask them to be caretakers, and we shame them into not sharing the unglamorous parts of parenthood. I love my kids. My 6 year old has ADHD, OCD, and social anxiety. She struggles a lot with sleep – even when she has school in the morning, she can keep going until Midnight…no matter how many times she’s been put to bed. My 4 year old has something going on and needs evaluation. Our first stop is the ear, nose, and throat doctor to see if his tonsils/adnoids are causing problems for his sleep. Our 2 1/2 year old just finished a round of physical therapy for gross motor struggles.
My 21 year old is out of the house now and at college. Even though he’s partially “flown,” the parenting gig doesn’t stop – it just changes and takes on more of a mentoring roll.
Sometimes, my love for all these people I grew overwhelms me, sometimes their personalities overwhelm me.
It’s Okay Not to Always Be Okay
We need to stop beating ourselves up and start sharing our stories. I wrote the post above when I was exhasted…and who knows how many hours of sleep I’d had before I wrote it. I had horrible anxiety after Ladybug was born…it was constant. None of my coping skills I got in therapy helped make it better. But I suffered in silence with it – for a year.
When I started talking about how bad I felt, things started to get better. I still have anxiety – and the last several weeks have been bad since the 2 1/2 and 4 year olds haven’t been sleeping through the night again…and one of my anxiety triggers is extreme fatigue. But I feel like I’m better able to handle it.
You Are Never Alone.
I promise, there’s someone out there who has felt the emotions you’re feeling right now.
