Last year, I wrote the post, “Please, Keep Your Insecurities to Yourself” after someone who called herself a friend suggested I go on a diet following my posting of pictures of myself on my Facebook page. Mind you, I wasn’t posting the pictures and saying, “Hey, help me lose weight!” I was posting the pictures and saying, “Hey, check out what I made myself, and by the way, I think I look pretty flippin’ awesome.” That kind of feedback can make it rough to build confidence.

Well, a year has passed. I had a lot of great reactions to that post. Lots of women added me as their friends, thanked me for saying the words I said over there, and said they thought I had courage. A lot of women also said, “I wish I had that sort of confidence.” I’ve done a lot of thinking about how to respond to people who would like to build confidence.

I’ll be frank here, it’s not always easy! I’ve had three kids. I run businesses from home. I know for my own health and energy levels that I need to exercise and be active. I know I feel better when I eat better. I do my best. And ya know, I think I do a pretty good job. It’s not always easy to feel confident! There are a lot of people out there who want to tear you down – because they themselves are not confident. And now, I’m going to let you in on a little secret: As long as you’re looking for external validation, the quest to build confidence in yourself is going to be a difficult one.

There are critics everywhere. Heck, we are all guilty of looking at another person and starting to pick that person apart for one reason or another. Part of it has to do with how we’ve been socialized as women. A bigger part of it is that picking apart comes from a place of insecurity within ourselves – it is not coming from the other person. So, when someone says “Hey, fatty, lose weight” to me (before you start burning people, no one has said that…at least not recently), I simply think to myself, “Wow, that person must be really intimidated by me.” 
I’m not perfect, I have moments where I look in the mirror and smirk at myself (particularly when I’m covered in baby spit up, sweat, and this morning’s coffee, and I’m sitting around in my torn up pajama pants and high school homecoming t-shirt with unbrushed hair).  I have moments where I take photographs that make me say good gosh that’s a terrible photo. I mean… remember my lovely opera singer photo from when I was pregnant with my youngest son and my husband caught the photo of me mid-hey wait a minute while I adjust my outfit. But now, rather than get upset over such photos, I just laugh them off. Because I mean seriously…I could have been singing opera. And I mean, sometimes, we all just need to laugh at ourselves. 

So, how did I develop more confidence and go from someone who didn’t want pictures taken of me at all to someone who is okay with photos and even sometimes…gasp…likes the photos taken of me?

How to build confidence in yourself – one step at a time

1. First, you have to decide that it’s not about external sources of validation. Seriously. If you’re solely looking for confidence in yourself coming from others, it won’t come. It has to be something that springs forth from within. This is way harder than it sounds, particularly if you’re someone who like me has endured years of emotional abuse before breaking free from it. 
2. You need to get rid of the negative voices. I’m not only talking about the ones in your head that say “you’re way too big to wear a bathing suit” or “tall girls don’t find husbands.” I’m talking about the people who put those voices in your head in the first place. We can do better.
3. Find things to admire in others. Not just physical things. Things others are good at.  Our first instinct when we feel insecure is to start tearing apart other people. It’s done in an effort to make ourselves feel better. Only, it doesn’t really do that. Remember the saying, “When you point a finger at a person there are 9 pointing back at you?” Yeah, those are your fingers. Get off the “People of Walmart” page. Seriously. It may seem fun to laugh at others now, but really, what happens when you perceive that you share a trait with someone you’ve criticized for that very trait? Boom. Self-esteem drop. Let’s just stop that behavior, okay?
4. Make a list of things you’re good at, like really good at. No, I’m not kidding. Yes, you have things you’re good at. We all do. What I’m good at isn’t going to necessarily be what you’re good at. BUT I’ll probably think you’re pretty awesome for those things you’re really good at. Now, find a way to celebrate those things each day. Knowing what you’re great at helps you to build confidence.
5. Make a list of things that give you joy. What does this have to do with confidence? The thing that give us joy are often the things that we’re good at, but not always. Do something that gives you joy each day. Again, I’m not kidding. When you do things that give you joy, you feel good. When you feel good, you’re building yourself up.
6. Figure out your confidence routine. In Evan Almighty (affiliate link), Evan (Steve Carell) has his routine he does in front of the mirror to make himself feel good before he heads out for his day. While you may not go on to build an arc, getting into the “Hey, I’m a cool person” mode can’t hurt.
7. Have someone take lots of pictures of you. No selfies allowed. The more photos I have taken of me, the more I build confidence. Yeah, I’ll have an off day, but I don’t let that get to me.  Instead, I make fun of the outtakes. Life is too short not to laugh.
8. Wear what you feel confident in. Seriously, if you are wearing something because you “should” wear it but it doesn’t make you feel awesome, get rid of it! This is one of the things about sewing that’s helped me a bunch. I make things that I love. I get photographed in things that I love to wear. It’s a win-win situation. Even if you don’t make your own clothing, you can find brands and styles that you think look good on you and fit you well (fit is king) and ya know, it helps boost your confidence. 
9. Treat yourself like you’d treat a good friend. C’mon, we all know how guilty we can be of being our own worst enemies. Let’s work on becoming our own best friends. 

And on that mushy barfy last point, I will say to you, go forth and be confident!!! (And please, share what makes you feel more confident and your tips on how to build confidence in yourself here in the comments or in the new discussion group on Facebook).