Warning: This is about to be a very personal post about spirituality. Hah!
It’s really not much of a secret that I’ve struggled the past year or so. Post-partum depression really kicked my butt for a good part of 2014. It’s not something I talked about a lot, and some people, I’m sure, thought that I was doing just fine. I put on a great show when in public. Internally, though, it’s been hard.
I want to set an aside for a moment. There are all kinds of different ways that people deal with depression. Some people can’t get up or out of bed for weeks at a time. Others go through the motions of their days. Just as there are functioning alcoholics, I’d like to argue that there are functioning depressives. Most days, I don’t think people could tell things were wrong. But by the time September rolled around…it was obvious that I was in the Bell Jar. I felt like I was at the bottom of a well. Sure, I’d get things done, make sure my kids were happy, husband was happy, go through the motions – but I was floundering. It didn’t help that I’ve also been coping with PTSD.
It’s been hard. life likes to throw curveballs my way, and the past year has been no exception. We’ve got a lot going on. Some of it is great! Some of it…well…you just have to power through, right? I did some journaling on another blog, made some life-altering decisions, and now continue to move forward.
In light of having a difficult time, I really want to strengthen my relationship with God. I’ve felt removed from my spiritual community, and not just because we rarely make it to church these days (I think God understands. After 6 days of being up all night with a baby who just won’t sleep and squeezing in projects every second I can, getting some extra sleep on Sunday mornings so I’m not a complete basketcase…well that’s in keeping with the Sabbath Day, right?), but also because I feel like I’ve lost my way. Sometimes, life kicks us so much, that it’s just really hard to get back up and keep on fighting through.
So, I decided that this Lent season, I’d read through Rick Warren’s The Purpose Driven Life. I will go through all 40 chapters, doing the exercises, and really meditating on purpose, my relationship with God, and what God’s plan is for me. It’s so easy to feel…scattered…in our modern age – and especially so when there are so many different balls up in the air.
I don’t know that I’ll post all of the exercises here, but I’ll certainly post some. I think it’s helpful to live out loud. The funny thing is this post just kind of scratches on the issues I’ve been going through over the past 10 years. I’ll just dive in with chapter 1.
Chapter 1 – It all starts with God
I love how the chapter starts with a quote from Bertrand Russell, particularly because he’s an atheist. The quote is “Unless you assume a God, the question of life’s purpose is meaningless.”
The author then writes, “The purpose of your life is far greater than your own personal fulfillment, your peace of mind, or even your happiness. It’s far greater than your family, your career, or even your wildest dreams and ambitions.” (17)
The question that Warren asks readers to consider is how can we remind ourselves that it’s about living for God? I can answer that. When I’m doing things that are not within God’s purpose for my life, or at least, when I feel God speaking the most, is when I’m on the wrong track. it’s those times when I’m following the wrong things – the moments in grad school when I’d feel the pit of the stomach feeling that I was in the wrong place. Those moments where I feel at peace – like there is a light surrounding me – are the moments when I know I’m in the right place, I’m where God wants me to be – but…why?
I think I spend a lot of time fighting God’s will. I think we all do, like rebellious teenagers. God speaks to us through many different avenues – through feelings, through opportunities, even through challenges – saying “See this? See this here?” We just have to listen.
I want to get better at listening. 😛
If you celebrate Lent, what are you doing for it?
