Life: Don’t go to bed angry

Wining Husband and Wining Wife — By remembering that Wining Husband is my best friend, it helps to resolve differences when they crop up. He and I promised one another to avoid going to bed angry when we got married.

In the vows my husband and I said to each other when we got married, we had our marriage deputy (my father-in-law) give a speech about what makes a good marriage. Including in the quote in our vows was a bit about not going to bed angry. We never go to bed angry – and believe me, like all married couples, we have our disagreements.

To me, not going to bed angry means that you don’t take a grudge with your spouse. Even if you don’t resolve the argument, you remember that you love this imperfect person next to you. You remember that you’ve promised this person a future. You remember all the wonderful things that sharing a life with this individual means for you. Sure, you might not see eye-to-eye, but at the same time, who wants to always agree with their spouse? It would be like being married to yourself, and if you’re like me, that would be booooooorrrrring!

Instead, it’s good that we challenge one another. What else will make us grow? I promised my husband to be his student and his teacher. Sure, we might not agree all the time, but we can definitely learn from one another. It’s hard to admit when I’m wrong, but when I realize that I am, I quickly apologize and we move on. Vice-versa is true of Wining Husband. If you’re going to bed angry, you’re holding onto resentment. Your spouse is only human. Many things that we argue about really don’t matter in the long run of things. I mean, I honestly cannot remember what little thing it was that sparked the last argument we have. What I do remember is my husband holding my hand the entire time I was in the ER having medical tests done. What does matter is having mutual respect and honesty in a relationship. Those are paramount to having a good life together.

Commitment doesn’t just mean commitment to your spouse when it’s working. It means looking at the person you’re arguing with, remembering that the person is fallible, and has his or her own flaws and strengths, and remembering that you love that person. It means choosing to take a deep breath and find a way to resolve differences rather than shout out angry words. It means saying “I need to take a break and have some space in the other room for a few minutes” when you feel flooded with emotion. It means that you look at the other person and you want no harm at all to ever come to that person – least of all from you. That’s why it’s so important that when you climb into bed next to your spouse, that you do not harbor feelings of anger. Anger breeds discontent and resentment which are killers for a marriage. In my book, Success in Life Through Personality Engineering (Co-authored with Murali Chemuturi), I talk about healthy relationships and sustaining a marriage. It is vital to keep resentment out of relationships, because it can lead to contempt. By resolving conflicts quickly – or agreeing to discuss an argument later, and going to bed together as a couple – contempt can be kept out of relationships.